I loved you so way back when

(First let me mention Fiona Apple's version of "Pure Imagination?" It's spooky in the best way, but also sad and has basically left me in a stupid, emotional mess for most of the evening.)

Since today was a beautiful day, I decided to take a walk around campus and take some photos. (Well, OK - I also had to take some for a Botany project.)

The baby hills that you see in these pictures are some of Beloit's infamous Indian mounds.  

Because winter lasts for fucking ever, I always forget how green it gets.  

In true school fashion, the year so far has been rushing by at a pace that seems really underwhelming in the day-by-day scheme of things, but a little...panic-inducing when I think about how long I've been at school so far. Like, fuck, it's practically October.

My school books. *Crying* (Also: I don't understand why this photo came out so crappy. )

Whenever I'm overwhelmed, I have the unfortunate habit of pushing away everything I should be doing and do fun projects or watch TV instead. Like, instead of studying for my first Botany test this past week, I finished up watching Malcolm in the Middle, which is one of my favorite shows. My mom, brother, and I used to eat dinner and watch it together. What does it say about us, that it's our favorite show?

As far as classes go this semester, I'm kinda pleased; while there is some tomfoolery/fuckery going on with my Arabic class (mostly the fact that my school doesn't offer the next level, ugh...), my poli sci classes are awesome and Botany is cool I guess. I mostly like taking plants apart and thinking how they and their environments work, rather than any cellular info or anything. Below are some pictures I took today of the area around the science center; most of the flowers are dead, and these were all that remained. I'm not too disappointed, though, since I got to stand by these and watch bees buzz around pollinating. I have such a soft spot for bees, it's so weird. But I really like how these pictures showcase the different shades of purple of the asters.

 Would you believe me if I told you I didn't use a filter for this one...?

Some succulents in the greenhouse that our class is growing.

My plants are the three in the lower right hand corner; the baby sprouts are (hopefully) going to be black and brown-eyed susans.

I'm also starting the study abroad application process; because there is a limited number of third-party programs that my school can pay for, it looks like I may be ditching the first semester in Washington (like I planned), and shooting for Morocco, instead (strangely, it's cheaper) with the second semester in Jordan (which is the program I want to get into more than anything). This is, of course, assuming I am still at my school next year. My mom refuses to acknowledge that I might go that far away for an entire year, but she'll eventually come around.

I feel kind of bad that I don't have anything else to say... I'm not doing much independent reading, lately, and so I don't have any book reviews, and since I'm usually holed up in my room working, I don't see my friends around too much. I feel like getting out of town for just a day or so, but I can't this weekend. (Isn't that always the case?) I have a paper to write this weekend, but I have another post in the works already, and I'm thinking of putting up some more art... I'd like to have fanart to post, but whatever; I only have so many hours in a day. I'm listening to Night Vale and the new Arctic Monkeys album, and reading more fanfic than I should. Good news, I'm at least making my bed and cleaning my room more often. (My dishes are another case, however...)

I hope you lovelies are doing well,

-M

The big 2-0

Today is my 20th birthday!! I'd like to dedicate this post to Beyonce, my birthday twin. Ugh, to think that I'm not a teenager anymore is weird, but since I never really got used to 19... Yeah, 20 is kind of terrifying. Can't I just be a teenager and stay irresponsible?

I feel pretty bad about letting my blog fall to the wayside, but tbh I guess I just haven' been sure about what to write about lately. Because school is school (and poll sci classes mean more reading than I can handle), I haven't had a ton of time for personal projects as of late. But since it's my birthday, I feel like I should be able to take a little while off and make a post about where I am and what I've been doing since the end of the summer.

I like to go onto Lookbook.nu and find people to draw when I'm in a rut. 

(The two collages above were inspired by Randy Grskovic)

I've been trying to do more journaling, which isn't really new in itself (I am a serial journal-keeper and journal-dropper), but with some things going on with me right now I just find it helpful to be able to write things down there without fear of judgement from my friends or the internet. I feel like I censor myself a lot; with my friends, family, and myself. And sometimes it's smart (not ragging on a friend's boyfriend) and sometimes it's stupid (not talking about issues with my boyfriend and resulting in a large fight). In any case, I appreciate the outlet, even though my creative output isn't as much I was hoping for this year.

My progress so far. I still have plans for an X-Files patch somewhere. 

(A glimpse of the pattern underneath)

I've also had a little sewing project going on the side; this is an old messenger bag that I got from an art school visit (what up Ringling!) that I decided to refurbish with some fabric because the original bag pattern wasn't much to my liking. Well, that and the fact that it also had a ton of marker stains on it from where it had been run over in the street (Don't ask). It isn't elaborate by any means, but it's something to do and I think it's a decent sewing intro, so there's that.

Other than these things, I don't have much going on besides classes and homework. My boyfriend will be visiting on Friday for the weekend, and my improv group's first show will also be this weekend... Gosh, if I'm going to talk about anything new in my life all I have going for me is a new haircut (I lost at least three inches, but it's still below my shoulders. I'll probably go to the salon sometime in the future to finish it off).

Do you have anything you're looking forward to? Anything you're working on?

-M

On Trying to Speak Up

I feel like I censor myself a lot, especially my opinions and political beliefs because I am absolute crap at fights (I'm one of those people who will come up with amazing comebacks 10 minutes too late, woe is me) and because I am always worried that I have the wrong data/information/whatever. While I find it really easy to pick apart stupid opinions on, say Tumblr (then again, most of the inflammatory arguments on Tumblr aren't very intelligent or well-written) I feel like I have trouble actively taking part in them. I'm better at confrontational behavior in person if it doesn't include a debate.

OK, that seems really confusing, so let me explain: If it's a debate, like US action in Syria, or gun control, I'm crap. I have my opinions (and I voice them to my friends quite frequently), but my fear of being made a fool of in debates usually causes me to turn the other cheek and write rebuttals in my heads.

But if it isn't a debate, if it's just stupidity or something I deeply reject on all levels (pro-life v. pro-choice, feminism, idiotic MRA "activists,"etc.) then I'm ok calling people out on their shit. I guess it's because I feel more comfortable talking about those things since I know more? Or maybe because I'm vested in them more? Since I am an IR major, I kind of have to have an opinion on Syria and other conflicts - and I do, but I guess I feel like I don't understand as much as I should/ I don't feel in absolutes like for feminism and stuff.

Monday I came across a post on Tumblr. Long story short - a white girl wore a headscarf to the mall, and wrote about the prejudice and racism she experienced. She wrote a long long post how hard it was to imagine anyone living their whole life with that kind of hatred directed at them and how people should just be nice to each other, yadda yadda yadda. Some Muslim women called her out on her privileged perspective, saying that they didn't need her white savior attitude.

(Naturally, Tumblr came to that white girl's rescue.)

What followed was typical; people berating those women, telling them to get off of their high horses, that the girl who made the original post was trying to help and had pure intentions, and why can't you just understand that this white person is being nice to you and trying to help your cause? Like, omg! Stop being so prejudiced towards white people! Your attitude makes it really hard for white people to understand your problems.

My response was as follows:

OK kids, here’s the thing.  

When someone - ANYONE - from a minority says something to you about the discrimination that they face, and that you don’t understand, that isn’t your cue to start yelling about how it isn’t “okay” to be prejudiced against white people. 

It is is your cue to SHUT UP AND LISTEN. 

This is not about you. This is about them. 

Because when you whine about how white people are yelled at for just trying to understand, you don’t get it. You are still exercising your white privilege.  

Because guess what? You’re still the top of the chain, as far as society goes. This is not about “wording.” This is not about how hard white people have it in speaking out against general prejudice. This is about understanding the fact that you will not nor will you ever understand the kind of discrimination that Muslim women face because of their choice to wear a headscarf. This is about someone saying, “Yeah, thanks, but did you think that we weren’t aware that we face huge amounts of prejudice every day? Do you think that we really needed a white/non-Musilm woman to be our champion?” 

White people have shown a tremendous capacity and ability to insert their opinion when it isn’t needed, and assert their rights and freedoms over everyone else’s. You can thank your white privilege for those feelings that your voice deserves to be heard. 

White/non-Muslim people don’t need to be the voice of Muslim women. White/non-Muslim people have zero authority to speak on. And so when someone calls you out on your lack of experience/whatever, what you do is SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.

I'm sure that there are more than a few gaps in my logic there; and as someone who is white/straight/cis, I did feel a little uneasy calling those people out since I do have a lot or privilege in society, and didn't want to take on the same "white savior" attitude, y'know? But hopefully I can use that privilege when calling people out on their shit and become a more effective ally. (Just, not like an "ally week" ally. JFC that whole concept is so goddamn stupid.)

Since I don't have a lot of followers, I seriously doubt many people saw it, and I also seriously doubt that many people cared. Still, I was really nervous about posting this; hopefully if someone does see it, it can create a dialogue.

What do you think? Have I missed the point? The post (and response) is here.

-M