I know what I want to be doing, what I should be doing, but instead all I do is go on the internet, scrolling through pages, thousands of images flickering by. It's like I don't even really register what it is or what I'm doing anymore.
I read and finished Bridget Jones's Diary almost three weeks ago, but didn't have anything written down about it, or a draft saved or anything, so now I've forgotten why I liked it. I remember sitting in my room on a Friday night, glad to have the time alone so I could finish it; I remember closing the book and thinking, "Don't forget to write about this one."
But obviously, I did.
It's a shame, too, because I really liked it.
I'm trying to find substance in what I do these days, and studying only takes so long. I'm reading more than I did last year, which is great, and I feel like I'm thinking about the material more critically. But I feel like I'm surrounded by a lot of superficial and shallow images and "likes" these days, which isn't a totally fair assessment, but it's how I've been feeling.
To be honest, I feel like a lot of it is because I'm on Tumblr now; I wasn't last year, and I feel like (mentally) there is a huge difference in my behavior between now and then.
And why is that?
Is it, like I said, because I am flashing through hundreds and hundreds of pictures every day, without thinking about them twice? Is it because (like many things) Tumblr is something that is only good in moderation? While there are times I love the Tumblr community and what it can do, sometimes it is frustrating and tiring to see the same thing over and over and over and over again, literally looking up a tag and seeing the exact same image and content again and again because people just reblog things like without a second thought. I am tired of reading how "magical" Twin Peaks is and how nostalgia is "in." I might have been born in 1993, but I am tired of reading how "the '90s were the best decade!" and wish that the people who are laughing at those who are wearing, like J. Crew, would wear something besides Urban Outfitter's fetish-induced vomit of the '90s.
I want something new, something fresh and exciting. I want to see more original content, I want to see new ideas and to have those ideas represented in pictures. It's 2013, and the '90s have overstayed their welcome. I am tired about people talking about memories and how they're so romantic and beautiful and artistic... because, honestly? Sometimes it's like they're so focused on what happened Once Upon A Time that they aren't paying attention to Now. I'm tired of Instagram. I want definition and clear-cut images.
I want to learn more about Keith Haring, and why he makes me feel happy and alive, but also be able to think about his message and what that means for his art and how that relates to me. Image Via.
I mean, I like talking about Old Hollywood with my friends (and I'm working on a few posts about it right now), and Wonder Woman and stuff, but I don't spend my time trying to emulate those things all of the time. What those people did and what they represented was interesting and fantastic, but it's better if I pick and choose what I like from those time periods and those people and use them to create my own self and tastes.
But at the same time, I haven't been creating; I haven't been critiquing; I haven't been thinking. I've just been a bucket full of other people's ideas and thoughts and word/image vomit, and it's difficult to sort through my head and thoughts when there are so many different things filtering through it all of the time.
This is scary to me, because my entire life I have been very involved with art, and I've always been creating in some way or another. I've always been pushed to find my own style and voice and figure out what I like doing. I do feel, however, that in enrolling in a liberal arts college I made it more difficult for myself to further develop my abilities and change and evolve as an artist.
I think about creating new content often, but I am usually afraid to do so; not because of the feedback (I can handle concrit), but because I am worried that I am "losing" somehow, or making a mistake. Also because I am uncomfortable with the idea of losing my work or something, of having the credit stripped from me. I used to write fanfiction/still write fanfiction, so I am used to putting things out there on the internet, and the kinds of responses that come along with it. However, the characters and scenarios I wrote about where not always my own, and so I was comfortable in doing that; I had nothing to lose.
I think that's what I want this blog to be about; me creating, and being able to focus on one thing when I need to figure something out. I want to take more artistic risks and put myself out on the Big Bad Internet. I think that, to some degree, this will push me to become more self-confident and force me to work on my art, as well as my feelings towards it. I am unhappiest when I am pushing myself to fit into others' ideals and personas, and so I think that this blog is going to be the way for me to start exploring my identity and art and also serve as a place where I can critically think about things I've done, or seen, or read. This means (obviously) talking about books that I have read, but also things that I love and things that I "severely dislike." I need to expand the scope of this blog.
I hope this blog post made more sense. I can't promise that I'll be any more coherent in the future, but hopefully you'll stick with me all the same.
-M
